Diplomacy for Dummies
by T'Key'la
Summary: Part of the Memo collection - a collection I have long neglected. Silliness abounds. But for a good reason. This Memo was written in exchange for a contribution from Salable Mystic to the Purple Dove Project. Purely for fun!


**A/N**: This Memo was written specifically for Salable Mystic in exchange for a contribution to the Purple Dove Project. Her request:_ I would very much like a happy first time K/S TOS story. I especially like your "Official Starfleet Continuing Education Credits" story from the MEMO series, but anything will be fine, really._

* * *

MEMO:

TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
Commanding Officer, USS Enterprise

FROM: Commander Spock  
First Officer and Chief Science Officer, USS Enterprise

RE: Communiqué from Starfleet Headquarters

Captain,

I am the recipient of a communiqué from Starfleet Command which I am required to review with you with alacrity. They have mandated a response be received from me acknowledging your acknowledgement of the information within the next thirty (30) ship's minutes.

I am available to come to your quarters if you are in a position to receive me at this time.

Please advise.  
~Commander Spock

.

MEMO:

TO: Commander Spock  
First Officer and Chief Science Officer, USS Enterprise

FROM: Captain James T. Kirk  
Commanding Officer, USS Enterprise

RE: Your Memo Re: Communiqué from Starfleet Headquarters

Commander,  
I fail to understand what information Starfleet Headquarters has to convey that is so urgent as to require a response within the next thirty (30) ship's minutes. I do not have the time at this moment to discuss the content of the memo with you. I am, in fact, getting ready for dinner, during which I will be engaged in discussions of the proposed trade agreement with the Ambassador from Iaiau. You will be required, therefore, to inform Starfleet Command that I am unavailable, indisposed, or otherwise unwilling to discuss the contents of said communiqué until a more convenient time. Like _never_.

-Captain Kirk

.

MEMO:

TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
Commanding Officer, USS Enterprise

FROM: Commander Spock  
First Officer and Chief Science Officer, USS Enterprise

RE: Your "Unavailability"

Captain,  
Perhaps I failed to sufficiently stress the urgency of the communiqué which I received from Starfleet Command. Admiral Nogura was adamant that the contents of the message be relayed to you, and I quote, "with all deliberate haste." It is not acceptable to respond to the Admiral with only your refusal to meet with me. The delivery of the information will take no more than 12.53 minutes of your time. According to the schedule you posted on the ship's computer, your dinner with the Ambassador is not scheduled to begin for another 18.82 minutes, leaving ample time for me to come to your quarters, discuss the communiqué, and compose a more appropriate response than _maybe later or possibly never._

I will be in your quarters momentarily at which time I trust you will allow my entry.  
~Commander Spock

.

MEMO:

TO: Commander Spock  
FROM: Captain James T. Kirk  
RE: Your Impending Arrival at my Door

Commander,

First, sarcasm does not become you. _Maybe later or possibly never? _Really? Did you hear that from Hikaru?

Second, it is _not_ convenient for you to come to my quarters. I am _not_ yet ready for my dinner with the Ambassador.

Third, if the communiqué is so terribly important, forward it to me. I'll read and respond to it from here.

Fourth, why in the name of all that is holy did they send it to you when it's information for me? Are they under the false presumption that I have been rendered unable to read?

Fifth – well never mind. Send the communiqué. I'll be sitting right here waiting for it.  
-Captain Kirk

.

MEMO:  
TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Commander Spock  
RE: Your Unwillingness to Meet With Me

Captain,

I regret you interpreted any section of my previous memo as inappropriate in tone or content. It was not my intention. Nor has my communication patterns been unduly influenced by Lt. Sulu. (At least not as far as I am currently aware.)

I must emphasize once again that the conveyance of the information will take no longer than 9.35 minutes. I will then be able to provide the response which Starfleet Command has required and is expecting within the next 19.87 minutes.

They specifically requested that I discuss the contents with you in person, perhaps in order to emphasis the more salient aspects of the information.

Again, at the risk of being redundant, it is imperative that I meet with you. I will arrive momentarily.

~Commander Spock

.

MEMO:  
TO: Commander Spock  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Come Clean – Tell Me the Truth

Spock,

Okay, what's _really_ going on? After thinking it over, I know full well that Starfleet Command has not and would not relay important communiqués to Captains via First Officers, not even ones as talented and efficient as you.

If you have something you want to tell me, tell me. If you could hurry, I'd appreciate it. I don't want to keep the Ambassador waiting unnecessarily.

-Jim

.

MEMO:  
TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Commander Spock  
RE: No More Equivocating

Captain,

I did, indeed, receive a communiqué from Starfleet requesting that I discuss with you some of the errant attempts at diplomacy which you have been party to over the past few years months. They readily acknowledge that you would never intentionally jeopardize the mission and/or values of the United Federation of Planets. However, your methods of 'negotiation' are frequently as unconventional as they are perplexing.

Starfleet has requested that I discuss some of the more egregious of these behaviors with you at your earliest opportunity – which is their methodology of saying _immediately_. I theorize that there is widespread trepidation among the Admirals that the representatives from Iaiau may misinterpret some of your overtures as personal rather than diplomatic in nature. Such misinterpretations could cause irreparable damage to the fragile relationship we have worked so hard to establish.

I do not intend for you to arrive past the appointed hour for your dinner with the Ambassador. However, I am also cognizant of my duty to Starfleet to provide a timely and appropriate response. May I come to your quarters at this time?

~Spock

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MEMO:  
TO: Spock  
FROM: Jim Kirk  
RE: Forward me their message

I promise to review it immediately and respond accordingly.

Thanks.

.

MEMO:  
TO: Jim Kirk  
FROM: Spock  
RE: Starfleet Communiqué

Jim,

I would prefer to discuss with you the contents of the message in person, as they directed.

~Spock

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MEMO:  
TO: Spock  
FROM: Jim  
RE: Forward me the damn message

Send it to me or forget it. The Ambassador is waiting. _That_ 'could cause irreparable damage to the fragile relationship we have worked so hard to establish.'

.

MEMO:  
TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Commander Spock  
RE: Starfleet Communiqué

Captain,

As you wish. Starfleet Communiqué appended to this message.

~Commander Spock

~o0o~

MEMO:  
To: Commander Spock  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Commander, USS Enterprise  
Re: Methods of Negotiation and Matters of Diplomacy

Commander,

I am in receipt of the communiqué from Starfleet Headquarters which you and I previously discussed. I am uncertain as to the purpose of several of the statements. Perhaps you could provide additional elucidation on the points I have enumerated below, in addition to the comments I have included:

_Captain Kirk's requisitions for uniform shirts is far in excess of that of any other Starfleet Captain on record. _At no time do I intentionally place myself in situations where my uniform shirt will be forcefully removed from my body. Starfleet should consider constructing our uniforms from fabric which is structurally more sound. It takes almost no exertion what-so-ever for my shirt and pants to end up in shreds. Am I to blame for the faulty workmanship and poorly chosen fabric?

_Captain Kirk far too frequently requires treatment from the medical staff for injuries resulting from hand-to-hand combat and/or altercations involving excessive physical force applied to his person. _There are times when actions speak louder than words. When any of my crew are threatened with bodily harm, I am not going to stand ideally by and allow them to be assaulted when I can prevent it. There have been instances when my willingness to engage in fisticuffs has proven to be beneficial. Those with whom we are negotiating come to understand that I will do what is necessary to protect what is mine – including my ship and crew.

_Captain Kirk has been reported to engage in "horizontal" negotiations with alarming frequency. To his credit, he is a willing participant in these "negotiations" with nearly every sentient species in this or any other galaxy. _You know as well as anyone that the number of people with whom I have actively engaged in _horizontal negotiations_ is far fewer than rumors would have you (or anyone else) believe. I do not and have not bedded every sentient being in a skirt, pants, overalls, and/or flowing diaphanous garments of indeterminate nature in this or any other galaxy. The rumors of my exploits are just that – rumors.

_No other Starfleet Captain includes himself on away missions as frequently as does Captain Kirk. As his First Officer, you are charged with keeping him safe and reminding him of regulations pertaining to senior personnel on such potentially hazardous missions. As he obviously outranks you, it is your responsibility to remain on board when he disregards Starfleet directives concerning his continued presence aboard the Enterprise and beams down to the surface of the latest planet you have happened upon. _Okay, I admit it. They have me on this one. You do tell me I shouldn't go. And I'll tell them that. They can't blame you – I'm the one who decides to go. But I didn't join Starfleet to sit on my ass while everybody else has all the fun. We're supposed to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to go boldly where no one has gone before. (Okay, I know I normally say we're going _to boldly go_ but my fifth grade English teacher called Mom and told her to tell me that I can explore all the strange new worlds I want but to stop splitting infinitives. _To go boldly _just doesn't have the same _oomph_ but I don't dare defy Mom or Mrs. Swartz.)

_According to the findings from the most recent physical performed by Dr. McCoy, Captain Kirk is approximately two (2) stones over the appropriate weight for his height, build, and rank. _Stones? Who the hell weighs anything in stones? I'm not a horse. (Oh – maybe those are measured in hands. For height not weight.) I'm not two (2) stones overweight. Bones said I needed to lose maybe 20, no 15, _10_ pounds max. That's not two (2) stones. That's hardly even one pebble. What the hell?

Bottom line – I hope those damn stuffed shirts in San Damn-frisco are happy. No way can I meet with the Ambassador now.

If you would like to come to my quarters at your earliest convenience, we can discuss what I'm going to say to them in my official response.

Door's open. Come on in when you get here.

~Jim

~o0o~

MEMO:  
To My Spock  
From Jim  
Thanks again

I know you just left my quarters. And sending this makes me feel like I'm back in fifth grade learning about split infinitives with Mrs. Swartz. That doesn't mean I don't want to tell you, again, what a great time I had last evening. And last night. And this morning.

We got so… busy we forgot to send a response to Starfleet Command. Once you've showered and put on a fresh uniform, come back to my quarters and we'll write an appropriate reply. I promise not to sit too close to you. That should help facilitate actually writing a response. To them.

See you soon.

.

MEMO:  
To My Jim  
From Spock

I have already finished with my shower. I was in the process of donning a fresh uniform when your message arrived. I will return to your quarters shortly. I hope that my right boot is there because I am unable to locate it in here.

.

MEMO:  
To My Spock

I have your right boot. Right where you left it. Under my desk.

.

MEMO:  
To My T'hy'la

Of course. Under your desk. I do recall removing it while there.

~o0o~

OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE

TO: Admiral Nogura  
Starfleet Command  
San Francisco, Earth

FROM: Captain James T. Kirk  
Commander, Starship Enterprise

EC: Commander Spock  
First Officer and Chief Science Office, Starship Enterprise

RE: Communiqué sent to Commander Spock concerning perceived errant actions by Captain Kirk

Admiral,

Commander Spock and I have spent considerable time together, discussing the contents of the memorandum you sent to him concerning my apparent short-comings as the Captain of a Federation Starship. Please find below my response to your concerns. Should you require any additional assurances, explanations, and/or reiterations of what we have stated below, we will make ourselves available to you, the next time we are on Earth.

_Captain Kirk's requisitions for uniform shirts is far in excess of that of any other Starfleet Captain on record. _We have discussed this allegation with our quartermaster. He has found a sturdier fabric from which my uniforms can be made. He will implement the change ASAP, with all assurances that the look and feel of the new uniforms will be nearly identical to the standard issue ones.

Additionally, he contacted several members of SOSQ (Society of Starship Quartermasters) who voluntarily transmitted their records concerning uniform requisitions initiated by their senior officers. When this data was analyzed, it turned out that I actually order fewer uniform shirts than is average. I found this fact interesting yet not at all surprising.

_Captain Kirk far too frequently requires treatment from the medical staff for injuries resulting from hand-to-hand combat and/or altercations involving excessive physical force applied to his person. _I will do what is necessary to protect my crew and my ship – in that order. I have been and will continue to be especially protective of my senior officers in general and Commander Spock specifically. Fortunately his half-Vulcan physiology gives him an advantage in strength and endurance and my protection of him will be less frequently required. But I'll still stop any harm from coming to him, if it's in my power. If I can't stop it, you can bet your gold stripes I'll express my displeasure and/or disappointed in the strongest terms possible with those who dared hurt Spock.

_Captain Kirk has been reported to engage in "horizontal" negotiations with alarming frequency. To his credit, he is a willing participant in these "negotiations" with nearly every sentient species in this or any other galaxy. _Circumstances have very recently changed that will render this point entirely moot. Suffice it to say that there is now only one being in this or any universe with whom I have any interest in holding 'horizontal' negations. Or horizontal activities of any type. Especially the type that one does only with one's bondmate. Behind closed and locked doors. Locked even against nosey CMOs who might wonder where you are and think they can override your security code.

_No other Starfleet Captain includes himself on away missions as frequently as does Captain Kirk. As his First Officer, you are charged with keeping him safe and reminding him of regulations pertaining to senior personnel on such potentially hazardous missions. As he obviously outranks you, it is your responsibility to remain on board when he disregards Starfleet directives concerning his continued presence aboard the Enterprise and beams down to the surface of the latest planet you have happened upon. _I have no intention of including myself on any fewer away teams than I have historically done. I will continue to lead any and all away missions that _I_ deem appropriate. Spock is not my keeper. He is not the boss of me. He does tell me I should stay on the ship. He also respects me and my abilities to keep my away team safe. I respectfully request that you stop telling him to tell me to stay aboard. It's not going to happen. As Dr. McCoy is so fond of saying – no use trying to teach a pig to sing – it only wastes your time and annoys the pig.

_According to the findings from the most recent physical performed by Dr. McCoy, Captain Kirk is approximately two (2) stones over the appropriate weight for his height, build, and rank. _I am not overweight. Not by as much as you purport. And as Spock says 'just means there's more of me to love.'

That is all.

Kirk out.


End file.
